She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
