Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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