You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I need to calm my uterus...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
