After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I smell like Dick and happiness
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
please don't ironically join a cult
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