Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
