Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
