everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
