google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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