He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
