D3 body, D1 cock
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
