he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
