ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
