i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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