genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
