It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
