I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
