Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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