i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
