Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
