Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Randomize
