I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
