the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
