Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
