What a fucking waste of an outfit
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
