3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
