She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
