Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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