How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
