If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
