I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
