Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
