alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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