There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
