You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
