I will die if light touches me.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
