I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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