Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
