I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
