Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I wear drunk well.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
