booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
