I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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