it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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