return my video game
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
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