I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
