Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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