When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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