So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
what day is it and did you see me today?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
