I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
