I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
