I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
