I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
